Miscarriage

So this post is a heavy one.

Miscarriage.

Miscarriage.

Miscarriage.

That word doesn't get spoken about enough.

When you have one, it's like you become part of a secret society. No one speaks about it, until they meet someone else who has been there. It's not a dirty word, it is a scary word, but one that NEEDS to be spoken about.

I have had 2 miscarriages.

I am guilty of not speaking about it as much as I should. While I appreciate people's sympathy, it can sometimes get a little uncomfortable. Sometimes people can attempt to say something nice and comforting and it comes across so so hurtful.

I am a miscarriage survivor. Scratch that WE are miscarriage survivors. My husband and I. We are a team, and we have suffered together the loss of 2 babies.

Our first loss was a couple of months after we got married, it was a horrible experience physically that ended in an emergency surgery in the middle of the night. Horrible Horrible Horrible. The second was in February. Both were hard in their own ways and I think about both babies pretty much everyday. There is a whole new level of "what if" and wondering who they would be, and how our lives would be with them here. Their due dates will come and go every year and every year I will be sad and think about how old our should have been babies would be. The hurt doesn't go away, it becomes manageable and you learn to move forward with your life.

I mourn the fact that I will never have a happy easy going pregnancy where I don't have to worry every time I go to the restroom, where I can start dreaming of the future for the baby right away, where we can share the news with our friends and family as early as we'd like. I will never have that, I didn't have that with Annabelle. Every weird pain sends you into a panic, and the days leading up to every ultrasound are full of worry and doubt. I wish I could get pregnant and know that meant I was going to be able to bring home that baby. But it doesn't and it won't ever be that way.

I often get asked when we are going to have another baby, and I usually reply that I don't know if we will. It's a question that stings every time. I want very much for Annabelle to have a little brother or sister but maybe that's not in the cards for us. I have come to accept that she may very well be an only child, and that would be okay. We are so very lucky to have families that we are very close with, and she has some awesome cousins that love her and treat her as if she were her their sister. She will be okay, and we will be okay. July 18th and October 4th will forever be my what-if days, and I will always remember the two that could have been, but I am so thankful for the wonderful one we do have.

So if you've been there before please feel free to reach out if you need it, find the people who love and support you in your life.

If you've never been there please don't tell someone that it is part of God's plan, or that it just wasn't meant to be. A simple, "I'm sorry for your loss" goes much much farther.


--Mel